Life In the Ghetto

Well it's 10:30P and I just got home from a great evening hanging out oh I'llfeelya Street. I'm turning from Negley onto Stanton and I had a rather alarming experience. Now I don't mean alarming in the sense that I was afraid, rather angry and anxious could be the description of the feeling I had. Now as most of you know Morningside is a great little neighborhood that is bordered by East Liberty, a not so great neighborhood. Full of thuggish guys driving Buicks with "dubs" on them and larger chicks wearing clothes made for 12 year olds. Anyways, so I'm turning onto Stanton, and suddenly an explosive sound erupts into my ear (insert sex joke here). Simultaneously, a piece of debris ricochets off the back of my car and onto the street beside me. Ok honest first thought, I was just the victim of a drive by shooting. I mean what was I supposed to think. I was driving through thugtown with gunshot-esque sounds flying by my head, with shrapnel hitting the Wasaabi. So I park at the church immediately following the turn, and inspect the car. No detectable damage, but I'll have a better assessment in the morning. My only conclusion is that it could have possibly been someone driving over a closed container like a soda bottle and the lid blew off, though neither the sound nor the piece of whatever hitting my car fit the of description. Who knows. Megan will probably call me in about 10 minutes telling me she just saw a news story about a murder by Howitzer Cannon in East Liberty, and then I'll know the real story. Jesus H!

A Step By Step Guide On How To Ruin A Labor Day Party

Well step one would be to consume copious amounts of alcohol (namely, beer) and an even larger amount of food (namely, burgers/dogs, mac’n cheese, pasta salad) A body weight amount should suffice.

Step two is to play beer pong and win (so that you have to play multiple games and consume even more alcohol)

Step three is to smoke a cigar much too quickly. Ten minutes ought to do it.

Step four is to eat a little more.

Step five is to be coaxed (read: coerced) into playing quarters (be sure to get “skipped” like 10x and also to land a quarter into the cup of beer in front of you)

Step six is important, so be sure to pay attention. You need to go up to an unoccupied room, lay down on an air mattress (most uncomfortable sleeping surface known to man) and lay there in agony for about twenty minutes. The culmination of this step is to vomit into a moving box, provided you by your host. You then need to carry it downstairs, for everyone to see, so that you can throw it away and get it to stop leaking on your hands.

I hope this was informative.